What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 08:12

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
How can I decorate my house creatively?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Comes on , in middle age.
So, i spoilt her more .
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I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I said to her
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ive learnt so much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were not on the streets..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We all went to grammer schools
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,